"Here I Am"

My friend Melissa posted this on her Facebook profile, and I thought it was so appropriate. It's a song by a popular band.

"Here I Am" by downhere

Sometimes your calling, comes in dream
Sometimes it comes in the Spirit's breeze,
You reach for the deepest hope in me,
And call out for the things of eternity.

But I'm a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say,

CHORUS:
Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am

When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.
These broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

(chorus)

Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.

The water test

So, last night I was tested with water. Tested with water? What am I talking about?

Well, I recently joined my local YMCA in order to start swimming regularly. I love swimming, and don't know why I didn't join earlier. But I didn't.

Anyway, I didn't have a long time last night because I had to go to play rehearsal, but I decided that swimming even for a short time would be better than not at all. I got in the pool, swam hard for 15 minutes, and then headed back into the locker room.

I jumped in the shower to take a real quick one. The water was so nice and warm--it felt great--especially since I think I'm fighting off a cold (big surprise). Just as I got my hair all soaped up, the water went freezing. And I mean freezing. I turned it all the way to hot, and it was still cold. However, everyone else's showers were still warm. How do I know? I could hear mom's remarking to their kids how nice it felt and that sort of thing, and I would think that I would have heard something if someone else had a cold shower too. Anyway, I stood there for a bit, hoping it was momentary and that the water would warm back up. It didn't. So I prayed that it would warm back up. And it did! For about 15 seconds. Then it went cold again. I kept standing there, praying for it to warm up again. And it didn't.

So, as I was trying to decide what to do (do I run to another shower? do I stick my head in the cold water?) I realized that there is a lesson in everything, both good and bad. So I asked God what it was He was trying to tell me. And you know what He said? "Do you trust me even when the water gets cold?" I responded that I did, and then quickly realized that trusting Him meant getting INTO the water even when it was cold. So, with gritted teeth I stepped under the spray of the cold water. And in a matter of seconds, it warmed up again. It still wasn't anywhere near as warm as I wanted it to be. But it was warm enough that I wasn't chattering (or turning blue) trying to rinse the soap out of my hair.

I walked out of that shower stall with a renewed sense of calling. Realizing that everything is not always going to be ducky. The right answer is not always going to be the easy one. The right answer is not going to be the comfortable one. However, if I step out in faith-knowing it is the right thing to do. God will honor that decision and at least make it bearable.

I know a lot of people (family in particular) aren't thrilled with me moving to Austin. I understand that, and I appreciate the emotions that go along with it. Trust me, I'm feeling them too. And if it were someone else moving, I'd probably be making a stink about it too.

This move isn't just about wanting to be someplace different, and experience something different-although that is a part of it of course. This move is about doing what I believe God is calling me to do. Going where God is calling me to go. And in that, He will honor my decision to move there. Is it going to be rosy and easy all the time? Nope, in fact I have a feeling some of my posts after moving there might even question the decision to do so. I have a feeling my mother will get more than one teary phone call from me saying how much I miss home and miss my family. It's going to happen, that is a fact. Cameron and my other friends in Texas will probably have an emotional basket case on their hands more often than any of us might expect. I hope not, but it could easily be a reality.

But if I don't do this, I'm afraid I might be missing out on God's best for me. I'm afraid I would miss the blessings that He intends to give to me. And at this point in my life, if I stay in Maine-that is like staying in the hot comfortable water. It would be easy. It would be familiar. And that doesn't necessarily make it wrong, but it also doesn't mean it is the best option. I just want to make sure I'm following God's plan for my life. We as Americans have become accustomed to such comfortable lifestyles that anything apart from comfort is considered wrong, or odd. Why would anyone want to live outside of utmost comfort? Well, as Christians, aren't we called to live extraordinary lives? Aren't we called to be different than everyone else? I'm not saying I want to live in a cardboard box, and I certainly hope and pray that my life is somewhat comfortable, for me, for my family when I have one. But I also pray that I don't become complacent. Complacency in this world is a bad thing, for I am only visiting here. My purpose on this earth is to make a mark for God, to make Him famous, and then to go home to live with Him in heaven. I don't want to waste my time here--because it will go by quickly.

The other piece of this, is that I need to know that you, as my family and friends, support me in this decision. And so far, I have had great support from you all. But as the time draws nearer to my move date, I'm going to probably need to hear more and more encouragement. So, unless you think I'm making a mistake--an irreversible one that is going to mess up my life forever--please just give me words of encouragement. Even if those words include the phrases "I'm going to miss you" or "I wish you weren't moving away" Those are okay, but need to be coupled with phrases like "I understand why you have to go" or "I believe this is where you are supposed to go for now" or "Go Katie, go!" or whatever you feel led to say.

Remember, that I can always move back home again if it really isn't working out. I can return at any time.

So anyway, I just wanted to share this experience with you all, and I hope it serves as an encouragement to you too. Not only in your own lives, but also in understanding why I'm making the decisions that I'm making.

My baptism!

Go to my personal blog to see pictures of my baptism in the ocean of Maine! :)

Now that I'm moving...

I have to start to narrow everything down--and try to figure out which direction to head in terms of a job.

Moving without a job, is a whole new thing for me.  Not only have I never done that (the only time I moved a distance post-college was from Massachusetts to Maine--I had a job to move for)  But this, is major.  I'm moving to Texas.  This is no small thing.  And I don't know yet what I'm going to do!  I have plenty of ideas, and a few pathways that I'm exploring.  And I have plenty of time to narrow it down.  7 months is a long time, I know.  But I'm eager to feel like I have some direction.  I know God will provide it.  After all, He is the one who has made it clear this is where I am to move to.  Therefore I know He has a plan for me, and I trust Him completely.  I'm just looking forward to being let in on that information. :)

I'm moving

So--you should just go here to read what I just posted in my personal blog.  I feel as though I adequately explained what is going on there.

I'll probably elaborate a lot more as time goes on...but this will at least get you started.

"Weird" Christians

Okay--before you jump on me and think I'm being judgemental based on the title of this post--hold on. This is an article that a friend sent to me--and I think this is exactly right.

I realize I might be opening up to some controversy by posting this, but I'd be interested to hear any one's thoughts on this article.

Enjoy!

--------------------------------------------

I'm tired of weird Christians.

I am tired of hearing people I work with say that God is talking to them like He talked to Moses at the burning bush or like He talked to Abraham. I'm weary of people saying God speaks directly to them about mundane matters of reasonable human choice, so that their choices of toothpaste and wallpaper are actually God's choices, and therefore I need to just shut up and keep all my opinions to myself until I can appreciate spiritual things. I'm tired of people acting as if the normal Christian life is hearing a voice in your head telling you things other people can't possible know, thus allowing you a decided advantage.

I mean, if all this were really happening, wouldn't these people be picking better stocks?

I'm weary of immature college students and high school kids going on and on about what God is saying to them as if they were up there with the authors of scripture. I've had it with Christian musicians acting as if every lyric they write is a message directly from God and free from the possibility of mediocrity or poor taste. I now hear preachers who preface their sermons with an appropriate selection from CCM, rather than with scripture. I mean, is there really that much of a difference?

I'm burned out on Christians telling me about the next big thing God is going to do, as if they really know. I'm tired of Christians predicting the future and being consistently, continually wrong, but acting like they weren't wrong. If you said that on New Year's Eve the east coast was going to fall into the ocean because of divine judgment and it didn't happen, you were wrong. Really, badly, embarrassingly wrong. So why can't you act like you are wrong? Why am I so sure you will have more absurd predictions next Sunday?

I'm worn out on people doing weird things that aren't in the Bible and saying it's the "leading of the Spirit." Falling over. Acting drunk. Jumping around like a wasp went down your dress. I'm tired of turning on the TV or the radio and hearing Christians making more noise than a riot at a mental hospital. I'm out of patience with Christian spirituality equaling some form of clown college graduation.

I'm seriously fatigued from constantly hearing reality explained as spiritual warfare between angels, Christians, demons, and various conspiracies. The drama of blaming everything from illness to bad credit to all your bad choices on the devil is getting old. I'm tired of people being delivered from demons when their problem is their own rebellion, stupidity, meanness, and determination to get their own way.

I'm tired of God being the bag man for everything ever done by some guy who didn't want to answer questions about right and wrong. I'm tired of God directing people to do things that, uh...actually are not all that ethical or are just plain evil. I'm tired of having to tell my kids that "Yes, so and so said God told them to do it, but that's not what Jesus should do or you should do." I'm annoyed at the attention weirdo Christians get, and the obligation I supposedly have to love them anyway.

Let me use some bad language: "Normal." Dare I bring up that word? Isn't the Christian life a constantly supernatural life? A frequently miracle-filled life? A life of divine direction, healing, and signs? A life where you (the Christian) know all kinds of things that ORDINARY people don't know?. A life where you (the Christian) are in on the future, in on the prophecies, under the ministry of anointed prophets who are plugged into the big plan? A life that is a battleground of constant demonic assault? Aren't Christians supposed to have supernatural knowledge of Kung Fu, and be able to hang in the air and.......well, maybe not.

Isn't the Christian life the "Victorious" life? The "Purpose Driven" life? The "Spirit Filled" life? The life with Christ living in you and through you? It's not a normal life, and it's not ordinary. Right? Do I get an "amen?"

Or maybe you are like me. You are an ordinary Christian living an ordinary life. You don't hear voices, see visions, or believe you are under constant attack by demonic forces. You may have some experiences that you call supernatural or miraculous, but they are the exception, not the rule. When you pray for people, things usually don't change; you change. You have no authoritative insight into what is going to happen in the future. You suspect that if you were filled with the Spirit, you would love God and people more, and do the right thing more often. You'd be more like Jesus. You wouldn't be running around in circles pointing out angels on the roof. The fruit of the Spirit would make you a person others would want to be around, not someone who would frighten animals and small children.

A Disclaimer, A Principle, and An Observation

Before the tomatoes start hitting the screen, I should open a window and let some air in.

I believe there are some really strange things that happened in the Bible. I don't doubt any of them. I believe in Satan, demons, and angels. I believe God speaks to people in any way He chooses. I have experienced God's direction in my life in a way that can only be explained as "God spoke to me." I don't hesitate to say it. But this happened once in my life. Miracles are real, and prayer in scripture is an invitation to ask God to do what only God can do in any way He chooses.

I accept without question that some very Spirit-filled people come off as weird in the Bible, in history, and today. I have no argument with anyone over the reality of spiritual gifts or spiritual experience. The Christian does have victory, power, purpose and revelation, all as gifts from God. I do not automatically write off any claim of spiritual experience that is different from my own.

My point is not to trash anyone who believes in any of these things. Not at all. My point is that "normal" Christian experience is increasingly seen as "bad" or "abnormal," while weirdness is increasingly seen as "normal" and proof that a person is really "spiritual." This shift has enormous implications for Christianity in its essence, its witness, and its experience in the lives of believers.

The principle that I would like to put forward is this: The supernatural character of Christian truth and experience does not remove the basic, normal, human experience of Christians. If "normal" humanity is eclipsed, Christianity ceases to be Biblical, truthful or helpful.

In some ways, I think we are being presented with a spiritual dichotomy similar to the Roman Catholic division between those in "holy orders" and your regular Christian in the pew. Protestantism refuted this view, and strongly reasserted the Biblical doctrine of the priesthood of all believers. But now Pentecostal/Charismatic spirituality has brought evangelicalism to a similar situation--a division between the spiritual elite with their "supernaturalism" and the ordinary Christian who doesn't hear voices and see visions.

Now, that we are all calmed down, let me be very matter-of-fact. In my experience, Christians who go very far down this road of a "hyper-spiritual" experience rapidly become less useful in the service of Christ. Some become quite useless, even a hindrance and a detriment. Let me entertain you with three stories to illustrate--not prove--my point. All three are about individuals who were highly involved in hearing God's voice, experiencing personal spiritual warfare, seeking miraculous experiences in daily life, and getting words of prophetic insight about personal and world events. I won't overdo that description of each person. We'll assume it for the moment.

John, Matt and the Band

"John" came to work for us as a teacher and coach. He was a remarkably gifted guy, particularly in anything that involved people. He was a natural conversationalist, and had real skill in motivation and relationship-building. Before long, we had placed John in an administrative position where he could tell possible donors about our ministry. I had high hopes for John.

John was, however, one of the people I am discussing. Before long, it became apparent that John was pretty uncomfortable with the fact that our ministry wasn't casting out demons from students. His frustration grew. One day, over lunch, he told me that he was going to leave and find a ministry that would really "pray for" the students. John's comment struck me as stupid and arrogant, because our ministry depends on and practices prayer. It's just not the sort of prayer that John was advocating, prayer that really amounted to diagnosing problems as demon possession and ordering the appropriate demon around. I've never had much appreciation for people who identified straightforward problems as being evil spirits. It's not a matter of doubt on my part. It's a matter of being helpful to the person. John could have been helpful, but he wanted something else.

He left, which was his pattern. He's been from church to church, ministry to ministry, always pushing for more and more supernaturalism. And if you don't want to go his way, you're not going with God. In the meantime, a really talented guy is not putting his gifts to work.

"Matt" and I worked closely together during a good period of spiritual renewal in our ministry. We worked well together because Matt had a maturity and an appreciation for other Christians that I admire to this day. During the time we worked together, our ministry saw a lot of "harvest time:" good numbers, lots of professions of faith, many public testimonies of Christian experience. It was a good time. It could have been better, but I was pleased with what God was doing with our students. Matt was as well, but he wanted more.

In fact, it turned out that Matt and several other Charismatics wanted to see a LOT more than we were seeing. They wanted tongues. They wanted people falling on the floor. They wanted exorcisms. They wanted--according to Matt--"vomiting" of evil spirits. They wanted things to get "out of control"--in the Spirit, of course. Matt and company got more excited the more "Pentecostal" any meeting became. Of course, there is a considerable difference between enjoying the evidence of the Spirit's work and determining what kind of supernatural demonstrations we have to see next. Matt rejoiced in the present with hopes it would lead to a real "breakthrough." I thought we already had one.

Before long, Matt moved on, unhappy that our ministry was not as "open to the Spirit" as we should be. I couldn't help but wonder: Were we not open, or was Matt simply unable to accept the freedom of the Lord to stop short of the whole menu of spiritual gymnastics that he determined we had to see? Today Matt isn't in ministry at all, but hanging out with other people on the same supernatural fast track. Is this really what Christian service is all about? It seemed more like some kind of Pentecostal peer pressure.

One more story. A few months ago I brought in a very talented Christian band for a concert. They played great music with good lyrics. Then the leader of the group decided he needed to preach. For 45 minutes he went on and on about how anyone here could do miracles if he had enough faith. He talked about God telling him what to do in every decision. (All he had to do was go to church and lay on the floor till God spoke.) He said he'd seen lots of instant healings at their concerts. Then the big one. His goal was to raise the dead. Everyone could raise the dead if they just had enough faith. (Of course we had some kind of an invitation to verify these good intentions.)

Here was a guy who seemed normal, and in half an hour convinced most everyone in the room that he was nuts. And non-Christians in the room were justified in deciding this fellow was a loon. Giving glory and credit to God didn't matter nearly as much as impressing all of us with how "out there" he could be, and with the fact that we all ought to be "out there" as well.

I could tell these stories all day. The co-worker who had a real gift for evangelizing students, but eventually began making personal prophecies over all of them, including saying the world would end before they all turned twenty. The African student who told the whole school that because I didn't speak in tongues or get slain in the Spirit, I wasn't a true minister of God. The woman who wandered my neighborhood praying "against" the various demons that God had revealed to her were influencing our neighborhood. The intelligent young man paralyzed with fear of making any decision without a sign from God.

What is going on here?

Lord, Give Us A Sign

In a previous article about religious fanaticism, I told about the theory that Islamist fanatics were overcompensating for what they saw as the "absence" of Allah on the stage of history. I said that religious fanatics may tend to think this way. Thinking about this later, I remember a story I've heard many times about John Wimber. Seems that when the founder of the Vineyard movement became a Christian, he expected to see the miracles of the Gospels happening today. He asked a pastor, "When do you do the stuff?" "The stuff? What do you mean?" "The miracles. The healings. You know, the stuff Jesus did." It's a good story, and I think it gets at something vital in this discussion.

If you read the Bible you are, of course, struck by the presence of supernatural events. Many of these events, like the Exodus and the Resurrection, are central events in the drama of redemption. The Gospels record many miracles by Jesus, and tell us there were many more. Yet what place do miracles really play in the Bible? There are large portions of the Bible without much more than an occasional message from God to a prophet. Miracles are, actually, the exception and not the rule. I frequently point this out to skeptics who ask why the miracles in the Bible aren't happening today. If the Bible is read honestly, there were actually very few miracles over the course of history, and most of those were completely unknown to anyone except a handful of people.

When you look at the characters of the Bible there are many supernatural experiences, but have we properly put these in context? For instance, how often did God speak to Abraham? My friends tend to think it was common. In fact, it was rare. Very rare. Abraham's encounters with God were often years apart. While Moses is described as a person to whom God spoke face to face, we ought to remember THAT WAS MOSES. His burning bush experience isn't there to say that every person is going to have a similar experience.

Jesus performed many miracles, but he clearly taught that these miracles were "signs of the Kingdom" and were authenticating signs pointing to who he was. When skeptics demanded of him "signs" that would prove who he was, he bluntly said they'd had all the signs they were going to get, and to look at the resurrection if they wanted a real sign. Yet Jesus actually lived a remarkably normal life. He didn't heal everyone he met. He wasn't weird. He didn't run a three ring circus of miracles. His miracles and exorcisms stood out as unusual, and therefore as authentic.

The disciples also did some authenticating miracles, but even a beginning Bible student can see that the number and size of supernatural goings-on decreases enormously after the ministry of Jesus. By the time of the epistles, the kind of miracles and supernaturalism we find in Exodus or Luke is long gone. Certainly there are gifts, answered prayers, and a sense of God's power in the church. But Christians lead normal lives. There doesn't seem to be any idea in the New Testament that every day is a burning bush, a face-to-face conversation with God, or a series of demonic assaults repelled by special prophecies and prayers.

If I am right, then the tide of weirdness that has rolled over me amounts to insisting that God provide a "sign" to true believers. It's exactly as John Wimber said--it's the "stuff" they did in the New Testament, pushed through the grid of Christian history and theology, and finally interpreted by modern believers determined to show that the God of the Bible is still in business. It's a way of saying, "This is true, and we are going to prove it by living out all those miracles again today."

We've been Fleeced!

I think my first encounter with this weirdness was the whole business of "putting out a fleece." For those of you who didn't grow up so immersed in fundamentalism that you know what I am talking about, it basically amounts to getting God to give you a sign of your own choosing. A common version of the "Fleece" method might involve, let's say, whether to marry a particular guy who has proposed. The fleece might be, "If God wants me to marry Bill, he (Bill) will call me on Saturday morning and ask if I would like to go on a picnic." This sort of little test was considered harmless when I was a young Christian, but take a moment to look at what's really going on.

It's demanding a sign. It's being able to say "God told me!" At its root, is the desire to know that the God of the Bible is still speaking and acting now, and doing in my life what he did for Moses and Abraham.

So what is Benny Hinn doing when he tells the crowd that the people on the floor are being healed? What are some of my co-workers saying when they repeatedly say God is directing their lives with audible messages? What is happening when a Christian claims that a dream, vision, or prophecy has told him the future? In all these cases, God has proven Himself. He's given a sign that he is around and is still doing business.

I won't hesitate to say that I believe the vast majority of this exaggerated emphasis on supernatural experience is self-delusion. I don't believe God is talking to these people. I don't believe the prophecies are real. I don't believe the miracle stories are true. While I am willing to accept that God can do as He chooses without my permission, I think we don't accomplish anything by taking the route of accepting everything without critical judgment. We have to say what is really going on.

I think the appeal of this kind of experience is far more intense than we might imagine. It is promising a personal experience that proves God is real. My late friend Pat had two heart transplants. During the first, he had a vision of the cross that was immensely real. The experience banished all his doubts and made him a bold--and sometimes annoyingly intense--Christian. I didn't have the experience. Pat did, and it made him run on a higher level than I did. The supernaturalists want that experience on a daily basis. While I don't believe Pat was self-deluded, I can't say the same about most of these people.

"Normal" Christians are living without these "signs." They are living by faith in what the Bible says, and not looking to their experience to be a daily demonstration of God's still being around and in the miracle business. In comparison to those who live with daily miracles and prophecies, these normal Christians may have experiences that seem dull or even absent. It is no wonder that many "normal" Christians struggle with feelings of resentment, envy, or anger toward those Christians who claim constant miracles and manifestations of God's power. Part of my own weariness is from years of feeling second-class and left out of "real" Christian experience. Then I was angry at myself for faking it in an attempt to fit in. Now I'm tired of playing this game, and disturbed by what I see as the misrepresentation of the Gospel, and an insensitivity to the effects of weirdness on those in and out of the church.

How Long Will This Go On?

So before we all grow wearier of the topic than I am of the weirdness itself, what can we say?

I'll start by saying that the Bible's emphasis on walking by faith rather than by a constant diet of supernatural experiences needs to be understood clearly. I am constantly reminded that the weirdness has registered with many people as Biblical Christianity. We have to say that the Bible is a supernatural book, and God works in our world as He chooses, but faith is nurtured on the Word of God, and on what God has already done in Jesus. The weirdness looks at the events in the Bible as the first inning, and we are now playing out the game. In actuality, the Bible records the entire game and Christ wins! We are living out that victory now. The point is not the next big thing, but what God has done for us in Jesus Christ. Always, being centered on the Gospel and on Christ himself is what we must strive to offer in response to the chaos currently gripping the church.

Further, I think we have to reclaim the fact that God wants us to use our minds to think and make reasonable choices. The Christian life is not a throwing out of the mind, but this is a primary tenet of weirdness. I don't just mean anti-intellectualism. I mean a rejection of a reasonable, human use of the mind. This glorifies God. Our prayer for guidance and truth from God should be fervent, but we should fervently say that God's Word of Truth usually comes to our minds through the normal methods. Nothing distresses me more about this entire business than the message to young people that their minds should be ignored and some esoteric, gnostic method of "hearing from God" should lead us in making life's important decisions.

How should we view our weird Christian friends? That is a complicated question. Given that I have said they are seeking signs contrary to scripture and are deluding themselves and others, you might be surprised when I say I think we should be generous in forgiving and tolerating much of this behavior. Many of our hyper-spiritual friends are sincerely hungry for God. They are following what they believe is a path that will remove their doubts and bring the power of the Spirit into their lives. All of us ought to desire genuine Holy Spirit power, and a true experience of God. I don't criticize my weird friends for wanting to have a life full of God!

I have to stop, however, when we reach the point of asking what is the source of true experience, what is the nature of that experience, and what are the results of a genuine experience? Jonathan Edwards, who I criticized in a previous piece for leaving the door open for fanaticism, wrote a book that can't be improved on: The Religious Affections. Charismatics often quote it. Few have read it. We need to hand out a lot of copies. With a generous--perhaps overly generous at times--heart, Edwards puts his head into the scriptures and shows what makes up true religious experience. His words are plain and true:

It is by the mixture of counterfeit religion with true, not discerned and distinguished, that the devil has had his greatest advantage against the cause and kingdom of Christ all along hitherto. It is by this means, principally, that he has prevailed against all revivings of religion that ever have been since the first founding of the Christian church.

Discernment is what we most owe to our weirder brothers and sisters. Not condemnation or rejection, but discernment and simple truth. We need to know our Bibles, and be able to point out the truth of the Gospel. Our lives need to be shaped by Christ, and display evidence of the work of the Holy Spirit in sanctification and renewing our minds and characters. Even those who have given themselves over fully to every kind of weirdness are usually well aware of their own need of what is real. Many solid Reformed Christians spent a sojourn in this camp, and starved to death while everyone pretended there was a feast.

Bishop Ryle put it plainly: "Feelings in religion are worse than worthless, unless they are accompanied by practice." Many of our sincerely deluded brothers and sisters know this, and are afraid of what this must mean. It will do them good to see in us genuine experience and a true, substantial working out of what Christ has done for and in us.

Opening Doors

Doors are opening in unexpected places in Austin, connections are being made...I feel like things are moving along. And not quite in a direction I expected, but it is so good!!!

I'm not going to share anything specific, because I can't yet. But I would appreciate prayer for open doors, for me to know which ones to walk through (discernment), and connections of God to be made!!!

It's exciting. :)

God is doing something...

So, it is no surprise to me (or probably to you reading this either) that God is doing something big. He is doing something so huge in this world that it blows me away!

Many, many things are going on all over the world which I believe is proof of His movement. The "Florida Revival's" and the "Passion World Tour", just to name 2. Amazing.

And up here in Maine, I believe God is doing something too! At least, I feel it happening in my life.

As I mentioned 2 posts down, I was asked to lead worship at my grandparents church this past weekend. I have to be honest, and say that even though I was glad to do it. I wasn't necessarily looking forward to the experience. I wasn't dreading it either, I was just looking forward to it being done with. Mostly because the past 2 weeks have been crazy busy for me, and I really just needed a break. Just an hour to myself was all I needed, but hadn't had it in a long time.

So, I prepared an hour worth of material. 9 songs, plus a children's sermon that my co-worker who is a Priest, taught me.

I showed up at the church, to find out that the children had more planned than I had been told, and that I only needed to do about 20 minutes worth of music. This was a bit of a relief if I'm being honest. I mean, it is too bad that I prepared an hour worth of stuff, only to do 20 minutes. But it was just fine. I would rather be over prepared, than under prepared. It was nice to be able to prove to myself that I am capable of providing an hour worth of worship music--since I have never done this all by myself before!

So, I picked out 5 songs, plus a song to do during the offering. The church was so humid that I had to re-tune my guitar in between every song. Plus, the guitar had new strings on it, which didn't really help. But it wouldn't have mattered either way.

I got up there to my stool, and just felt so incredibly at home. Sitting there, with my guitar, microphone over my ear. I have never been so at ease before. And I haven't been nervous in a long time singing in front of a crowd, but this was new, with my guitar. I still felt completely at ease. I just started talking to congregation while I tuned my guitar. I decided to start off the service with Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace. Since this church is not all that familiar with modern worship music, I figured this would be a good way to ease them in--something they know, but a modern version of it. I explained the story of how the song came about. How when Chris researched it, he found that the last verse we currently sing "When we've been there 10 thousand years" was actually added to the song 100 years after it was written, and from that moment on he knew he could add a little something to the song too. And the congregation laughed, they obviously enjoyed the fact that I knew the story behind that song, and wasn't just pushing a new song on them.

Anyway, I did the other 4 songs I chose, talked in between each one, just trying to connect with the congregation as best as I could. And they actually sang along! (I had brought words for the projector)

Afterwards, a lot of people thanked me for taking the time to be there. A few told me that they believed that God has given me a gift for leading music (which I was not expecting to hear), someone told my grandmother than I was 'charming' and 'personable' on stage (also not what I was expecting to hear, but what a compliment!), and I recieved an email from a congregant thanking me again for coming and told me that God has certainly blessed me with an ability to lead music. I just have been blown away by these people. I even sold 2 CD's (which I did not even have with me) She happened to ask me if I had any CD's, and I thought for a moment and went "Actually I do". So that paid for my gas money up and back (with the price of gas, any little bit is helpful)

So anyway, this experience has brought up a few thoughts in my mind. Where exactly is God placing me in ministry? I still don't know the answer, and just have more ideas now than ever.

My grandmother has told me before, that she believed I was missing a calling in leading worship, maybe she was right?? This weekend certainly showed me that I love doing it, much to my surprise. I mean, I have a lot to learn about how to lead worship, but I would think that a willing heart, and sensitive spirit is all you need to begin.

I love the idea of helping churches, who need the help to move into more modern worship. Churches who need younger people to get involved, and therefore need to update at least some of their music. Don't get me wrong, I love hymns, and I love churches that have a balance between hymns and modern music. But so many churches are afraid of modern worship music. I could see myself going from church to church, spending a few weeks in each one. Teaching them music, and getting them comfortable with the idea of guitars and such. Paving the way for a worship team to take over. Even training a worship team. What a job that would be!

I also love the idea of traveling. Just let me travel. I would make a fantastic Road Manager (the person who books hotels, flights, buses, venues, etc) for a group or company of some sort. In fact, my brother wants to hire me for a venture he is currently working on in exaclty that role. However it is a ways off still--so in the meantime I need to continue to follow my own path.

I also feel very strongly about ministering specifically to young women (and even some older women) I have talked about that topic a lot on this blog. Specifically about femininity, and the importance of that. You can see those posts here.

So, I know God has placed these desires and visions on my heart for a purpose. And I'm sure that somehow, they'll all get blended together. I just can't see how yet. And that is okay. I will see it when He wants me to see it. In the meantime, I am just trying to walk through doors faithfully as He opens them for me.

Austin is only 3 weeks away, and I'm praying for doors to open there if they are meant to. Like the last time I went down there, I just believe that I will be placed in the exact places I am supposed to be. I can't wait to go! Yes, it is hot I am told...I keep having customers call, who happen to live in Austin. But, everything indoors is air conditioned. And I figure, visiting Texas in July, is probably like visiting Maine in February. It isn't a bad idea for me to see it at its worst!!! :)

The next Austin installment

So, I am heading back down to Austin on July 4th for 9 days!!!  I am so excited to go.

And the most exciting thing?  Is that The Lord just keeps opening doors for me down there!

I won't go into all the gritty details, but He has provided a place for me to stay (with a lady that I met the last time I was down there), and has connected me with new people already who I will be meeting when I go down, including a Mary Kay Director whose Sales Meeting I'll be attending.

I'll finally be connecting with Paul Vick in person, and meeting his wife too.  And who knows what else will come together in the next 51 days before I leave (yes, I know how many days until I go) :)

My friend Jen, who is planning to move there with me is likely visiting with me in July, at least for part of it.  So I'm really excited about that too!  God is so good, and He provides everything that we need, and He paves the way--all we have to do is walk on His path.

Leading worship

So, I have a new venture upon me.


I will be leading worship at my Grandparents church in Fairfield, ALL BY MYSELF! This is a new thing for me, and I'm pretty excited about it!


Not only that, but it is Children's Sunday, which is even better since I directed the Children's Choir at my church in Massachusetts for 2 years, and led the Children's Worship. So my head is full of kids worship songs, and kid-friendly songs.


Plus, this church doesn't really know ANY of the popular worship songs. Most of them don't even know who Chris Tomlin is I'm sure. So I plan to teach them some songs too.


Then, I got an email from my Aunt the other day who also attends that church, and she informed me that not only am I leading worship when I go, but I AM the service that day. Yup, the entire service is mine...and she said I can do whatever I want. I can do kids songs, worship songs, perform some songs, preach, anything I want. And she's totaly serious. So...this should be interesting.


I plan to do some kids songs, and some worship songs. I really want to teach them all songs they can enjoy--that is my goal. To get them comfortable with modern worship songs.


I thought I would share this too. Some of my friends on Worship Frequency discovered this website which we can share our own music on! So far I only have one song up, but I'm working on more. (It'll probably take me some time to get them up though)

(if there is no 'play' button, then click on "01 Kate Libby - I Love You Lord" and the song will play)

Now playing: Kate Libby

Worship as a way of life

It is impressed upon me more and more, that worship as a way of life (in our day to day lives) is oh so important.  It isn't like I didn't know this previously, but I feel as though I am being prodded and reminded of it more and more.  Which leads me to believe that I myself need to become more conscious of this.  What does this mean exactly?  I'm not quite sure.  But I would think that it requires first of all that you give up your own earthly desires and inclinations.  It requires that you probably will have to do things that aren't necessarily in your own plans.  What am I talking about?

Well, it was announced the other day that Chris Tomlin and band may be moving to Atlanta to plant a new church (A Passion Church possibly?) with Louie Giglio.  The comments from people at The Stone (Chris's church) say that Chris did not necessarily seem happy about this idea of moving to Atlanta.  That his comment about it was that he does not like the idea of living in Atlanta and likes being in Austin, but that he was trying to follow God's leading.  Wow!  Talk about living a life of faith!  Being willing to go to a place that you have no desire to go, is huge. 

I mean, here I am, planning a move to Austin--which is a place I WANT to go, I desire to go there, and here is this guy who is telling The Lord that he is willing to go to a place he has no desire to live.  Talk about giving up your life for The Lord.  Now, nothing is set in stone yet--they aren't going for sure.  They have put their houses on the market and are going to see if they sell and go from there.  The housing market is amazing in Austin, and houses usually go pretty fast--so we'll see what happens.

A calming

So, today was the first Sunday in a few weeks that I was around to go to my own church.  The past few weeks I've either been out of town, or at another church for one reason or another.  It was so nice to be in my own church today.

This weekend was the weekend of Passion::Atlanta. (I know the guy in the black and white photo-crouched over his bible!)  I had quite a few friends who went--and I so wanted to be there!  But, it just wasn't meant for me to go, which is okay.  I was meant to be in my church service this morning.  I'm not sure if it is the reason why I didn't go to Atlanta, but I was definitely meant to hear this message today.

The past 24 hours I have been feeling unsettled about something in my life.  Something that I wasn't feeling unsettled about before.  So it has been a bit of a shock to my system.  Going to my church today was just the calming I needed.

Separately, I believe I received a confirmation on moving to Austin--and pursuing ministry.  (This is not what I was feeling unsettled about)  But the sermon was about the calling of Moses to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt.  And my Pastor said something that caught my attention.  He was talking about how Moses was not sure about going, and kept questioning God, when God just said go.  And Pastor Scott made a statement, which I don't remember exactly.  But the general idea was, "If you are being called to go, you go, you don't ask questions"  That isn't what he said specifically...but it is what I heard loud and clear.

And it isn't that I was questioning moving.  I haven't at all.  I have been praying for confirmation that I am to go--I am planning a visit back to Austin in July--and figured the confirmation might come while I'm down there.  But I think I might have received it today instead.  

So now, when am I going to go?  That I am not sure of yet.  Maybe after Christmas sometime?  I'm unsure of the timing.  But I am going to move forward with this, and see if The Lord opens doors, or closes them.  It's the only way I know how to do things.

On a side note--I found out last week that a high school classmate of mine, who currently lives here in Freeport, is also moving to Austin.  But he's going in September.  So...it will be nice to have someone down there already that I know pretty well.  I have to admit, it is a safe feeling to have someone you already know in a strange place.  Yes, I met others while I was there in February...who have since become friends (I'm staying with the couple that I met when I go down in July!).  But I'm still getting to know them.  I know I can trust them--but this guy I have known for like 13 or so years.  So, it's a little different and comforting in a way.

But anyway, I'm excited about this!

Teen Missions on TV!!

Teen Missions is going to have a 1 hour documentary on CBS on Saturday night (April 12). It is at 8pm EST. If you aren't on Eastern time, then check your local listings. But I hope everyone can watch this! And tell your friends!!

If you don't know, I spent 5 summers in a row with this organization, and I would love to go back. It changed my life.

It's coming together!

So, this ministry at church, with the 20-somethings, is coming together. Last week we had a dinner, and this week we met normally again, working with the video's that we've been working with. It is really fun to see it coming all together, especially as we get to know each other better and better.

Last night we outlined our "Ground Rules" and I think they're pretty great.

• Begin and end on time
• Confidentiality
• Call when you can't come
• Bring up issues or dissatisfaction right away
• No interrupting, or carrying on separate conversations
• Do any confrontations individually, not in front of the group
• No gossiping in prayer
• No grudges, come with a pure heart, and clean spirit towards everyone else
• start and end with prayer
• get prayer requests and foster an environment where people feel comfortable sharing

I am in charge of communications. I wasn't appointed there, but naturally fell into that position. It's a good place for me.

There are a lot of things on my heart right now regarding 'ministry' and my place in it. I'm not sure how to verbalize it all right now. But I know that God is working it out, and is placing me right where He wants me. I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be at this moment.

I am still feeling called to move to another place, Austin is still at the top of the list. The timing is uncertain, nothing is set in stone, but that desire has not gone away. But it is nice to know, that for now, right where I am in Maine, I am still being used.

I feel like this is all in preparation of the top being blown off. Do you know what I mean? Like this is a glimpse into a much larger picture which I am to be a part of. Obviously I'm not sure exactly what that is, but that is how I view this. Like, this is my training in a way.

Discernment

Do you pray for discernment in your decision making, and day to day life?

I sure do. I pray for it all the time. Discernment in speaking the right words, making the right decisions, particularly when I am conversing with other people.

There is nothing that upsets me more than to be misunderstood. And I don't mean upset as in angry, I mean upset as in saddened and hurt. Because, although I don't always succeed, I strive to put a lot of thought into every communication that I have with others, and to be intentional in what I say. Particularly in writing, and it can be very hurtful to have it all thrown aside for a mere misunderstanding.

I believe that, since we are emotional beings (particularly us female kind of humans), that we are prone to making snap decisions based on how we feel in the moment. I am certainly guilty of that. And because of this fact (I do not like to be, or admit that I am an emotional person) I pray for discernment instead. That instead of making a decision based on how I feel, that I would make the decision based on the leading of the Spirit and of Jesus--which more often than I would like to admit, goes against what I am feeling at that moment. But always ends up being the right thing in the end, and I always feel good about what I've said when I've filtered out my feelings. And when I don't, I find I'm regretful of what I wrote or said.

I feel like people (in general) are too quick to respond, particularly under an emotional charged situation. Yes it is life, and just how human beings are, but I would encourage you to train yourself to pray, swallow and take a deep breath before responding emotionally to anything...that's all I'm saying here.

What does this have to do with ministry? LOTS!! 95% (or perhaps more) of your ministry is going to be perceived through your communication with others, and your ability to do so well. It doesn't matter if your ministry IS communication based or not...that is still how people will take in information about you. So therefore, when you are in ministry, or even when you just want your day to day life to be a ministry, it is vital to be praying for discernment in communication with others.

An interesting exercise

So, on a worship website that I am a member of, we have been talking through (just for fun) what we wanted to be when we grew up. As a result, a few of us (and I'm sure more will) have written out in more detail the changes and progressions in what we wanted to be.

And through that--I realized that there are quite a few consistencies which I had never realized before. Especially regarding music. It's just kind of fun to see it all written out. So I thought I would share it here too...

-----------------------------------------
Okay--so I don't keep repeating myself...I ALWAYS wanted to be a mom (and to this day)...so I won't write it every time--but you can insert it yourself in every single line.

• When I was in Kindergarten, I wanted to be 2 things 1. A mom 2. A car washer (remember the days when all gas stations were full serve, and they'd squeegee your windshield? That's who I wanted to be) lol!
• In 2nd grade, I wanted to be Young Cosette in Les Miserables. I knew her entire part by heart.
• In 4th grade, I wanted to be on that show "Star Search" Oh gosh I loved that show...
• In 8th grade, I wanted to be an OBGYN Nurse (because it would mean I'd get to be with the babies in the hospital!) but soon after I realized that you actually had to like science in order to become a nurse. And I have since realized that I did not miss my calling in the medical profession (since I get queasy with disfigurement and that sort of thing...) yuk. I actually fainted once when a friend of mine broke her nose (and when I broke my nose, my friend who took me to the hospital wouldn't let me look in the mirror...she was afraid I'd faint on her. LOL!)
• In 9th grade, I wanted to be a professional singer. (and changed my mind to wanting to be Eponine in Les Mis instead--since I'm an alto..lol)
• In 11th grade, I realized that there wasn't anything I wanted to do that school could help me with (I just wanted to be a stay at home mom!) So I wasn't really sure what to do with myself...but kept on going (and had every intention of going to college anyway) and when people would ask me what I wanted to be, I'd make stuff up...because I didn't want people to know that I only wanted to be a stay at home mom (at the time, women all had careers for the most part...so it wasn't cool to want to stay home)
• In college, I wanted to go on Staff at Teen Missions International. I almost dropped out of college to do so...but then thought better of it.
• And in college...I still struggled with a 'profession' I just didn't feel called to any profession. It was really hard. My major finally 'clicked' for me the second semester of my senior year. Talk about cutting it close right?
• And then post college--I discovered Mary Kay, and realized that was the sort of 'profession' that I wanted, and have loved it ever since.
• And now? Well, Mary Kay of course. Still want to be a stay at home mom someday. And a desire to be a musician's wife. Not necessarily a professional musicians wife...but that would be okay too.
• Oh--and I still would love to be Eponine...but the show isn't running anymore Sadly...

So, to add a little more about Teen Missions.

• I went twice as a team member (when I was 16 and 17), and it really opened my eyes to missions work and the importance of that. And it honestly captured my heart.
• Even more so when I became a leader. I led 3 peanut teams (who are 7-9 year olds) and one teen team. I just loved connecting with the kids, and taking care of them.
• I really thought I was supposed to go on staff at Teen Missions, but no.
• But to this day, there is a huge place in my heart for organizations like this, which ushers teenagers (and younger) into spreading the Gospel. My children will absolutely be doing something like this at least once in their lives. It changed my entire world. It made my faith real to me, and personal to me. Having grown up in a christian home (which I am forever thankful for) I never had a 'before' and 'after'. So I needed something to make my faith personal, and this did it.
• So, while I don't think I'm currently called to go on staff on Teen Missions, or to be a full time missionary, I certainly will always feel connected to organizations like this, and hope to volunteer with them again someday.
• This is why, when I attended Passion::Boston, it immediately re-lit the fire in my heart that Teen Missions had started, for serving students and teaching them to go out into the world. I believe that is where my calling is in missions. To enable others, and encourage others.

Trusting

I also thought I would share something more personal.

One of the things that I realized I am being told by God (in the past few months) is that I have to be willing to let go of the things I desire in order to keep them. Which is not always easy. This pertains actually to something pretty specific that I am not ready to share about, and so at times the reality of this fact is hard to swallow. However, on the other hand, I have an overwhelming peace that The Lord will take care of this, that I don't need to worry or be anxious. All I have to do is follow.

And if I truly let go of this desire, and lay it at His feet, I will be blessed beyond understanding. Which in my head and heart I know. Just sometimes in life, it isn't so easy to do. But I'm doing it. And even though it isn't always fun or easy or makes me feel good, I also know that it is the right thing to do.

So, I encourage anyone reading this--what in your life are you holding on to so tightly that even God can't get involved? I would challenge you to let it go, release it to Him, and see what happens. You'll be blessed beyond your expectations. And if you release it, and it flies away, then something better will land later on. It's better to let it go and wait for God's best, then to settle and have to deal with the consequences of that later on.

20-Something's

So, we had our first meeting last night at church for the new 20-something's group. It got me very excited about the direction that this group is going to head.

Yes, I will likely end up being in a 'leadership' position of some sort (I've already taken on the emailing and coordinating position...lol) but I think just about everyone else who was there will be leaders too. Which is great. There were 12 of us there--and it's a good group of people, I really like them a lot. And I think we're going to have a great time together, and as I said, will likely end up being the leadership team.

There is a video series that we are watching called "ReGroup" which is put out by Willow Creek Association. It's interesting to be putting together a group based on a video...and at first I was skeptical. But once we got going, I saw the purpose of it. The video simply prompts different discussions, and the discussion time that we had was very good. I really feel like I got to know a few of these people pretty well. It was great.

So, next week we are meeting again to do session #2 of the video, the purpose of which is to help us define what we want our group to 'be' or 'do'. I'm looking forward to that, and to start to define our focus. The following week, Kim and I are hosting a dinner with this group so that they can see what we were doing with our 'social gatherings', and it will give us more opportunity to get to know each other better.

I'm really looking forward to seeing where we all fall into place as time goes on.

In my lap

God has a sense of humor, and impeccable timing.  (Would I expect anything different?)  Of course not.

I find it interesting that as I am processing through what I think about ministry, and where my place in ministry is...that one happens to fall into my lap.  And not one I was expecting.

Today after church, I attended a luncheon for the makings of a twenty-somethings group.  The church I attend is a church plant, we just celebrated our 4th anniversary.  So as a church, we are obviously still pulling together groups and that sort of thing.

So, the greatest need right now is for the post-college group.  Which I think is true for most churches.  So anyway...we're trying to build this group from the ground up.

So--its a long story, so I won't share all of the details...but it came out in the meeting (there were about 15 of us there) that one of my great skills is communication and bringing people together (thanks to my friend Kim).  And that Kim and I did a bunch of parties last year, with our age group (being ages 21-35 lol), and had already tried to get this ball rolling on a twenty-something group in that time.  Only to have summer come along, and it fizzled with busy schedules, and has never restarted.  So, Kim and I sort of got voted in to be part of the leadership team in getting this off the ground.  I completely was not prepared ahead of time for this, I didn't realize that this was what the meeting was going to be about.  I guess I didn't really think about it.  I really thought I was walking into a meeting about a group that had already been figured out by the ones holding the meeting...I didn't think that they'd turn it back on us.  But I think it is good that they did.

Anyway, my initial reaction was to feel a little unsure about getting involved with a leadership team of such a group here in Maine.  Since...I still am pretty sure that I'm moving.  Not sure when yet, but I know it is going to happen.  

So getting involved in such a large project, may not be such a good idea.  I certainly do not want to just up and leave after making a commitment to be on a leadership team.

And Kim is moving this summer--her office is moving, so we both shared this concern.  But, we talked to Larry, who is helping to spearhead this group, and explained to him that we are willing to help in any way we can, but that we wanted to be sure he knew that we may not be here for long.  Well, Kim definitely will not be...I am unsure of how long I'll be.  But he seemed fine with that.  I'm sure they are wanting any help they can get at this point.

So I'm actually looking forward to helping this group get on its feet.  I initially, as I said, was a little anxious about it, but when I really thought about it, I realized that I think I was in this meeting for a reason.  I really do think I am supposed to do this, and am now excited about it.

Kim and I talked about it, and with our experience in party/social planning (as we did it for like 8 months last year), and with my experience and ability in event planning, and people organizing...  I really think we can get this off of the ground, and train some of the other people to take over when we go.  Teach them how to do it.  And that is when I really saw my place in this.  The nice thing is that it won't be just Kim and I this time around...it'll be a larger leadership group.  My concern still though, is that even in a leadership 'group', there still has to be a 'leader'...and I'm afraid that position may fall on me.  But I guess I can't really worry about that, if I am meant to be the leader, even for a time, so be it.  I'll just put it in God's hands, and do what I believe I am meant to do.

Besides, we were definitely the oldest ones in the room (most of them were either still in college, or just out of college) - we are almost not in this age group anymore--so, I figure, that our job as the 'big sisters' are to train the next ones to take over.  I see that as my place in this anyway.

So--I'm not sure how long term this will be...but I'm excited to help this group start up.  Our first official meeting is this Tuesday night, and we'll start to figure out the leadership team a little more specifically, and who is going to do what, and....what we are going to do as a group.  Because, we just aren't sure what our purpose is, besides bringing together the post-college crowd.  Are we going to do a Bible Study?  Are we going to gather socially for dinner?  We aren't sure yet, that is part of what we have to decide.

Women in Leadership

So--what about women in leadership?  Well, I think women make fantastic leaders.  Some of the best leaders I know are women.

Women can be teachers, bible study leaders, ordained as pastors, deacons, heads of corporations...but I do think there is a stopping point at which women should be in leadership.  Now, DO NOT misunderstand what I'm saying.  Let me explain.

The Bible states very clearly that man is the head of the household.  I believe that a 'household' not only applies to just that, but also to churches, and COUNTRIES!  Don't you think that the United States is quite a 'household'?  Which is where I have a problem with Hilary Clinton.  It wouldn't matter if it were her, or any other woman.  I do not think that President of the United States is meant for a woman.  This is not meant to be offensive to my gender in any way.  Don't you think that First Lady is quite a position to hold?  The First Lady is the most powerful, and (hopefully) most respected woman at least in the entire country, possibly in the entire world.  First Lady is feminine, and strong, and smart, and loved the world around.  I'd say that is quite the position to hold, wouldn't you?  But obviously it wasn't enough for her, which I think is just too bad.  I'm not going to rant about Hilary, it is just disappointing to me that First Lady wasn't enough for her.  

I do not have any issue with her being a Senator, or holding any other political position she wishes (short of the Presidency)-why can't she just have aspirations of being a Supreme Court Judge?  I may not agree with her views, but I do not have issue with the office she currently holds.  Or with the fact that she was First Lady.  But President is going too far.  Even Condoleezza Rice I think is fine in the position she holds!

I feel the same way about churches.  I do not think that a woman should be the head pastor in a church.  Women can be children's pastors, worship leaders, even associate pastors and deacons, but I get worried when I hear that a woman is the head pastor in a church.  I do not say any of this to offend anyone--I'm just stating my opinion.  Women are known to make decisions based on emotions, whereas men tend to make them a little more practically (and this is coming from a very practical woman!)

Anyway--I just feel like women (generally speaking) feel the need to embrace the power that these high positions hold, and prove themselves in a mans world.  I do not mean that in a sexist way!  Women run households, keep track of everyones schedules, run corporations, and have amazing abilities as leaders.  I hear many a men say that their wives tell them what they need to do, where to go, what to wear.  And I don't doubt that for a second.  "The man is the head of the household, but the woman is the neck, and can turn the head any way she wants"  I think that is so true.  I think that often times, God speaks to men through their wives.  But we as women need to be willing to submit ourselves to our husbands, just as The Bible says.  And through that we will be blessed, as will our husbands, and households and children.

So, what is my point?  Embrace who you are as a woman.  Don't try to measure up to men or to be like them.  Not because you won't ever get there (which you won't).  But there is just no comparison!  Men and women were created to be completely different.  We were created for different purposes--to fulfill different roles on this earth.  And when women try to take on roles which men were created for, it not only destroys her femininity, it also confuses men.  (But that is a whole other topic that I won't get into right now.)  What man would want to marry a women who acts like, or looks like a man?  No man that I know.

Women were created to be nurturing, soft, beautiful, caretakers, and master planners.  Men were created to be the hunters, providers, warriors, protectors.  We are meant to compliment each other, not to compete.

So...can you guess how I feel about women in the military?  I probably shouldn't go into it, so I won't.

My second stab at femininity

I think there are 2 common misconceptions about women, (which we lay upon ourselves). First, that we aren't good enough or can't ever measure up (to who?? other women of course), and secondly in order to get anywhere in life (particularly professionally)--we have to give up the things that are important to us (namely our families).

I know I can't convince you by simply telling you that you don't NEED to measure up--but what else can I do? You're reading a blog, written by me, and I can't convince you of anything you don't already believe. But--I am here to tell you, that you were made intentionally, by God the Father. If you're thinking that isn't comforting at all--it's time for you to take stock in the amazing things that make you, you. Maybe you have beautiful hair, or eyes. Maybe you can sing, maybe you are good with babies, maybe you take care of a loved one, maybe you are a great student or athlete or teacher. Everyone has things that make them unique and beautiful. If you can't (or don't want to) identify them in yourself, ask a girlfriend, or your mother, or another woman that you know to help you out. Yes...it will be a little awkward. Yes, you're probably going to be embarrassed...but I can assure you that it will be an invaluable exercise. If you can't bring yourself to ask another woman, ask God to start to reveal the things that make you beautiful and unique. And guess what, He will.

We are our own worst critics, and we are awful about critiquing each other... Well...we assume that we are awful about critiquing each other anyway... Don't we always think that when we walk into a room that every other woman is sizing us up? Don't we always think that there is no way we are as pretty as that woman standing over there-only to have the thought change to--"I could never wear that dress/shoes/hairstyle/makeup" (whatever it might be)? Well--let me put this twist on it. Whenever we walk into a room, who are we thinking about? Ourselves! Think about it. We are always concerned what everyone else thinks about us. So....therefore, what do you think everyone else is thinking? Not about you!!! So, I hope that takes some pressure off--if it doesn't, go back and reread this. We worry about ourselves. And I don't mean that in a selfish way. But it is the truth.

My second point, is that we are often forced to give up the things that we really believe in, in order to be anything in this world. As women, we are told that we have to make a choice. Family, or career. You can't have both. Now...depending on the career you choose, that could be true. You do have a choice in the matter you know. And I'm not knocking anyone for choosing a career. That is your choice. There are choices in careers though, that will also allow you to spend a significant amount of time with your family (for example Mary Kay...and other home based businesses too). Most of them won't bring in gobs of money, but they are out there. And the majority of women feel incredibly guilty about going to work, while they're kids sit in daycare anyway. And I cannot tell you how many times I hear that one of the parents incomes (usually the wifes) is just paying for the daycare anyway...so what is the point? If you are one of those women, it might be time to re-visit why it is you are working. Is it because of the money? I already said there are other jobs out there that will allow you more time with your family. Is it because you feel like you are identifying yourself through a job? If so, I have the same answer. There are jobs out there which will allow you time with your family. And for the record--neither of those reasons for having a job/career are bad! They are great reasons to have a job! You need something outside of the house, something else to focus on. You just have to make the choice, how do you want to order your life? What is the most important thing? I cannot answer that question for you.

So--this brings me into my next train of thought, which is women in high powered careers (I'm thinking specifically of Hillary Clinton, and will use her as an example) but I'm not going to write about it tonight. I have lots to say about this. :) So I'll save it for another day and another post.

My first stab at femininity

So, I mentioned before that one of the big topics for me is femininity.  

I realize this can be a hot topic for a lot of people.  But I hope that you'll give me a chance before you blow me off.  Just consider what I have to say about it.

What is the first thing you think of when I say the word 'femininity'?  Do you think of a 1950's housewife, in the kitchen cooking the perfect dinner?  Do you think of that pair of high heeled shoes that you either own or would love to own?  Do you think of your makeup bag?  Whatever it is that you picture, I would like to share my thoughts on femininity.

I mentioned before that I am a Mary Kay consultant.  It is easy to see where being feminine fits into that world isn't it?  Everything is pink (in fact we call it our 'pink bubble'), we are selling cosmetics after all, and the majority of the company is made up of women.  This is a company which truly understands what the most important things in a woman's life are.  God, Family, and Career.  Not only do they understand that, but they expect every woman in the company to order her life that way.   God first, Family second, Career third.  I don't know what you think, but that blew me away.  This company embraces family so closely, that it is still a privately owned family company even!  This company encourages women to think like women, to do business like women, to lift each other up like women naturally do.  Wait a minute--women lift each other up?  They do!  I know it doesn't always seem that way...but women naturally want to help each other, and befriend each other. The world may not always encourage that, but this company does.  You actually will not succeed in this company unless you help the women around you.  I love that.

What I haven't mentioned is that my full time job is selling Power Tools.  Power Tools?  What?  What is feminine about that?  Well, honestly, not much.  I'd say that 99% of the business I am in is male dominated...obviously.  As a woman in this business, there are times that I have to 'prove' my knowledge.  I have to prove that I know what I'm talking about.  I have to prove that I am knowledgeable about the tools that I sell.  And it isn't always easy.  There are times (though it is rare) when the man on the other side of the phone, asks to speak to a male before he even gives me a chance.  Like I said, it is rare.  It maybe happens twice a year.  Maybe.  When that happens, it isn't worth the argument, and I transfer them off to one of my coworkers.  But most of the time, the man on the other end of the phone is very receptive to me.  Especially once they realize that I really do know what I'm talking about.  What is my point?  Well, even through selling power tools, and speaking knowledgeably, I remain obviously female.  I am not talking just about the sound of my voice (which obviously I cannot change), I am talking about the way that I speak, the phrases I use, the way I converse.  I am not willing to 'become a man' and jeopardize myself as a woman in order to survive in this job.  It isn't necessary first of all.  My customers expect me to answer when they call, and they even ask for me if I don't answer the phone.  Am I proud of that?  Absolutely.  Did I have to work hard to gain that respect?  Very.  But did I loose my femininity in the process?  Nope.  Most of them even know that I sell Mary Kay too.  They think it is fantastic.  Yes, most of the time I wear boots and jeans to work--on the off chance that I'm going to have to give a tool demo to a walk-in customer, but I wear makeup everyday (even though most of my business is on the phone), I wear pink shirts (and shoes!), I look like a girl everyday!  I actually really love being feminine in a male world.  It took some getting used to...but I really love it.

I am going to end this post for the moment (hopefully I'll get to at least one more tonight) but I am nowhere near done on this topic.  I just think I should break it up into smaller pieces, rather than make a whole long one.  :)

My ministry

So--since I mentioned in my first post (scroll down to read it) that part of this blog will be about my ministry(ies), I thought I would share more about that.

So--where do I see myself in ministry? Well...that is a loaded question. The first thing I mentioned above was music. Where in music do I see myself? I am not sure yet. I sing, I love to sing, I'm told I sing very well. I think I sing well. I have been told that my voice appeals to all ages, which I think is probably a pretty rare thing. Do I want to be a professional singer? Not really, I'm not aspiring to be anyway. Would I turn down the opportunity if it were presented to me? No, probably not. I would want to give it a shot. But I really don't see that as my place--not as a solo artist anyway. I really see myself more in a place like Christy Nockels. Maybe not quite so focused on the music as her...but then again, you never know. But--the types of ministry that she is in, speaking to women, singing in praise/worship bands, staying home with her children--that is exactly where I see myself.

I also recently became more aware of the Passion conferences. I have volunteered with them twice now (this is also how I became more familiar with Christy Nockels, since she sings with them), and what I love about volunteering with Passion is connecting with the college students. I could stand there all day long, and just talk to them. Find out where they are from, what they think of the conference, and if they are willing to tell me more about themselves I am willing to listen! I could honestly just talk to people all day long, just to find out more about them. That is where my gift in relationships comes in. I had never really considered the fact that this was a gift, until my friends started to point out that I was really good at bringing groups of people together, and staying in contact (thank heavens for email!!) And once I started to 'watch' myself in social situations, I started to realize that they were right. I make friends very quickly. I guess I had never considered it a gift before, until I realized that not everyone does that. Now, it might surprise you to know that I actually consider myself to be a shy person. And I really am. In a group setting, say at someone's house, I tend to be very quiet and just observe what is going on. I will never fight for the spotlight--I'm one of 4 kids--I don't win that fight ever. But if I am put in a position of being 'in charge'-like say at Passion -where my most recent job was to talk to students and greet them- I can very easily go out of my way to say hello and strike up a conversation. Where as if I were the student on the other side of that, I would wait for someone to approach me.

I also have a great ability for event planning, in my head I am very organized. Now, you wouldn't know it to look at my house. There are papers, and other things, piled everywhere. My house is clean...just very cluttered. Some days are worse than others. It figures that whenever my Grandmother is here it is at its worst. Grammie--I promise it doesn't look like that all the time!! :) I'm at a loss what to do with paper, and mail (again, thank heavens for email). But put me in charge of planning an event, or a night out with the girls (and guys), and I'll have every detail down to the T.

So--how do these 3 things mix together? I haven't figured that out yet. Being involved with a ministry like Passion, obviously fits these things. However, Passion is not looking for new people. And that's okay. I think I would rather go in on the ground floor of something new anyway. I love helping something new get off of the ground.

Recently, I was in Austin. And through some (I believe) providential connections, I started playing phone tag, and then emails (after leaving Austin) with Paul Vick. He has a ministry to college students, he travels around the country ministering to them. He's also a musician and a pastor. Could this be a ministry for me to get involved with? I'm not sure yet, but I am excited to meet this man and talk about the possibility. I am going back down to Austin again in May, and will meet with him while I'm there.

This brings me to my last thought for this post. Where do I see a family fitting in to this? Well, currently I am single...so it isn't an immediate concern. But it is something that I think about a lot, naturally. I'm 28 years old, of course I think about it. Most little girls grow up knowing that they want to be a mom, or a doctor, or an astronaut, or a nurse, or a teacher, or a pastor's wife. I think little girls have a very good sense of what their lives will look like down the road, even if they don't consciously know it. When I was 5, I wrote in a Kindergarten class, that I wanted to be a Mom and a Car Washer (remember the days when all gas stations were full serve, and they would squeegie your windshield?) That's who I wanted to be. The squeegie girl. :) Cute right?

Well, I have put my dreams of being a car washer aside, but not a mom. It is something I desire greatly, and see a lot of my 'ministry' being to my own children. But that will just have to wait, obviously. But what else? I'm not just someone's future mother. There is more to me than that. Well--I also see myself as a musicians wife. And I think this is where a lot of my music may come in to play. I don't necessarily mean a professional musician's wife....although I think that would be a life that I would very easily adapt to. If I married a professional musician, I could easily fulfill my 'music' portion of my ministry by singing occasionally with him. I can see that happening. I hadn't really considered that either, until my friend Jen told me that she saw me doing that. She told me that she could see me doing what Christy Nockels does (which is what spurred that piece on). That she wouldn't be surprised if I did end up married to a professional musician, and then could be a stay at home mom, but also travel with him and sing with him. I have to admit, it is appealing--and would be a dream come true to do such a thing. But even marrying a Worship Leader who works at the local church would be wonderful. I can see that happening too.  But, for all I know--I may not even marry a musician--and that would be okay too.  I just want to marry someone who would support me in this venture if this is the road I started to take.

But alas--as I said, I am single--so that also will have to wait. So I'm also not only someone's future wife. There is still more to me than that. And I think this is the point I am trying to get to. It took me 26 years to figure out that I'm not just someone's future wife. It took me 26 years to realize that I had to be someone, in order to be someone. Make sense? And not that I wasn't a 'someone' before...but my goal before was always to get married, settle down, have children. If that had happened at an early age for me, I think I would have lost myself, and been pretty miserable.

What I've found out about myself, is that I am strong, independent, beautiful, feminine, smart, fun, and the list goes on and on. This is not about bragging rights. If you know me at all, you know I am the last person on earth to shout my own praises. I much prefer that it doesn't happen. But I say all of this, especially to young women, that you must find your self worth in The Lord. You must find your self worth in what you do, day to day. You must find your self worth in YOU! Otherwise, you will loose yourself while trying to take care of everyone else. Because that is what we as women do. We put everyone else first, our own self comes dead last; every time. But what I have learned, is that although I come last a lot--which is okay--I also know when to put myself first. And that is so important.

What did it for me? Well, a combination of things I think. Mary Kay for one. I am a Mary Kay consultant, and I have learned more about myself through this company than I think in any other way. This is where I found my beauty and independence and confidence. Also through my family. I live right across the street from my parents currently. And although I hardly ever see them (which is crazy since our houses look right at each other) there is a comfort in knowing they are right there. There is a comfort in living on the street that I grew up on, that I am so familiar with. This gave me more independence than I ever expected. Go figure. Some people go to college, and then go off to see the world. I went to college, stayed near Boston for a few years, and then moved back home. I never expected to move out of my hometown again once I came back. I love it here, this is where I belong. But much to my surprise, the purpose in gaining my independence by moving home, was to prepare me to move away. Ironic isn't it? I moved home to find my independence to then go out in to the world. To each her own, right?

So- I am moving. Where? I'm not exactly sure yet. Austin seems like the most likely place right now--but I am still figuring that out. The Lord has opened what appears to be a few doors for me there, hence my visit again coming up in May. I need to see if they are really open doors, or just open connections with people. Either way, my connection with Austin is ordained by God. It's pretty amazing.

So--that was a very long post. I think this will be the way of it on this site. I'm sure I'll have some short ones too along the way, but I would wager to say that most will be pretty long. Once I get going--it's hard to get me to stop. Just imagine what it would be like if I were speaking to you in person. :) When I was little my parents used to say "tell us the abridged version Kate" Well...there won't be much for abridged versions here--just to warn you ;)